By Dan Koday
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Cougar Moms!
It can seem like it’s your mom’s job to mortify you. But a new wave of moms is doing more than making you blush: They act so sexy and flirtatious, they make you question their judgment — and your own sanity.
When Bri, 16, started high school, she thought it was cool that her mom was so much fun to hang out with. "My parents got divorced when I was 6, but high school is when it actually started to seem like a good thing — I was grateful to have a mom who wanted to shop at the same places and see the same movies I was into," she says. "I felt like we suddenly had so much in common, and I could tell her anything and she’d understand." But after a few months of sharing clothes and gossip, things started to take a turn for the worse: Bri’s mom went from shopping at the same stores as Bri did…to flirting with the same guys. "Now I can’t go anywhere without her flirting with every guy she meets. One of her recent boyfriends was 23. After that, she started going to my brother’s hockey games to flirt with his coach — who’s 12 years younger than she is — and they started dating." Bri says she wishes her mom would change — but not because it embarrasses her in front of her friends. "The truth is that my friends think my mom is so cool and pretty, and my guy friends think she’s sexy. My ex-boyfriend used to joke about getting with her! But I don’t want my crushes crushing on my mom. I feel like I have to keep her away from my new boyfriend to keep him from paying more attention to her than to me."
Bri’s mom is the perfect example of a cougar: an older woman who’s into (and almost seems to hunt down!) way younger guys. Lots of girls say their moms are on a cougar kick too: Meghan, 17, says her 46-year-old mom dated the same guy who’d dated one of her 18-year-old friends; Hunter, 18, sometimes feels as if her friends like her cougar mom more than they like her; and Jessica, 16, reports that ever since her parents got divorced last year, her mom "dresses up in short skirts and dates guys who are barely 25, then tells me everything about her sex life. It’s so awkward." The truth is that you want to be open with your mom — but it feels unsettling if she’s that open with you.
Cougar Nation
Of course, not all cougar moms — in real life or in Hollywood — have completely crossed the line. Take Courteney Cox’s character, Jules, on Cougar Town: She’s the kind of mom who, like so many out there, get out of a bad marriage and just want to look and feel their best. Maybe the cougar mom you know got married young and never had a chance to date around. Or maybe since her kids are busy with school and their own social lives and don’t need her as much anymore, she needs something to fill her time. All that freedom also explains why she has more time to take care of herself — shopping, working out, Botoxing…whatever it takes to look and feel young. "My mom had me at a young age and had to step up to the plate and take care of me. Now that I’m older, my mom loves to party, shop, and date, and I don’t have a problem with it," says De’Junique, 17. "It’s nice to have a mom who’s young and outgoing. I call her my Triple Threat — she’s a mom, a best friend, and like a sister. I can tell her anything, and even my friends tell her personal stuff."
Wild Cougars
Still, girls who are cool with cougar moms are the exception: The majority of girls who shared their stories with Seventeen wished their moms would change their embarrassing ways. Take Erica, 17. After her parents split up two years ago, her mom dyed her hair blonde and started wearing clothes "so tight they could be mistaken for a second skin." But that wasn’t as traumatizing as what she says her mom started doing next: partying all night at clubs and sometimes not even coming home. After a few months, Erica says her mom even drained Erica’s college tuition money to buy herself breast implants. "One night, a friend called to tell me she saw my mom leave a club with some guy," Erica says. "Hours after the call, my mom still wasn’t home, so I made my dad drive around town with me to look for her — I was worried she could be hurt or in an accident." When Erica arrived at the club to look for her mom, she found her — in a car, hooking up with a guy who’d recently graduated from Erica’s high school! "I was so humiliated and angry. I shouldn’t have to be a 17-year-old babysitting a 40-year-old woman. It’s not cool at all to have a cougar mom. I feel totally robbed of being a teenager."
Not only does having a cougar mom make you feel like you’re not getting your fair chance to be the "kid" in the family, but it also makes you feel uncomfortable to be competing with your mom. Plus your mom is supposed to be the one reassuring you that you’re gorgeous and awesome — but if she’s the one who needs constant reassurance, it can make you feel even more insecure and upset. But some moms do change. Jessica, 17, says that after her parents’ divorce, her mom was a total cougar. "She started dressing younger than she was and went through younger boyfriends like crazy," Jessica says. "I felt like her new life was more important to her than I was. But one day when she came out wearing a fishnet tube top and super-short shorts with three-inch heels, I flat out told her, ‘Mom, you look like a hooker.’ She treated it like a huge wake-up call, and it got us talking. I told her I understood it was hard to be single, but that she’d changed too much from the mom I could depend on, and that I missed her. Soon after that, everything changed: She broke up with her boyfriend, got a job, started acting her age, and made me a priority." Jessica says her mom is now showing her that she’s worthy of being trusted and looked up to. So maybe the secret to getting your mom to understand you is to try to understand her. Show her that you accept and love her — without judgment — and without any makeup, extensions, or that miniskirt you just know she borrowed from your closet.
Get Your Mom Back!
Here are the keys to having a great relationship with your mom — no matter what. Step 1 Have girl time: Instead of screaming at your mom or avoiding her altogether, ask her to set aside 20 minutes for the two of you this weekend — to go for a walk or for coffee or just to sit down in your living room. Step 2 Tell her what you need. Say: "When you act like this [tell her specifically what she does that upsets you], it makes me feel uncomfortable." Remind her that you need and love her. That will make her more open to your feelings, and less likely to feel defensive. Step 3 Don’t give up. If you don’t feel like you’re getting through to her, talk to someone else. You may feel embarrassed or protective of your mom, and not want to make her seem like a bad parent. But in the end, any mom-daughter relationship will be stronger and more genuine if you deal with your frustrations — instead of ignoring them or resenting her. By Dan Koday
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